Change – Like It or Loathe It?

What sets us off crying is often not the real cause of our pain.

I know this to be true as I bathe my little Yorkie Poodle. I always love the clean smell of evening primrose and the way she gazes at me patiently. She tries to lick me, as I rub her sodden face in the soft towel. I wrap her in it and cradle her in my arms, like a baby, while I dry her belly. She wriggles. I release her so she can do her crazy dance around the bathroom, shaking the drops from her fur and wiping her ears along the carpet. We play chase as I try to dry her legs and then she’s off on a frenzied run around – down the stairs, back up the stairs, on the bed, off the bed.

She sees the dryer and I sit on the floor waiting for her to approach, but she lays just out of reach – a Mexican stand-off. She knows what’s coming and I know that the moment I reach out, she’ll be off. She’s a contradiction of feisty and timid.

I try to entice her with a game of peek-a-boo. She pokes her head around the door tentatively, then retreats and howls. Her howl tickles me, it’s her way of talking.

Eventually she scoots past and jumps on my bed. I have her cornered and lift her onto my lap. She only tolerates the hairdryer on her lower half, but today she’s not in the mood and battles for freedom, scratching my arm, drawing blood as she escapes – I cry.

It’s Not The Scratch That Makes Me Cry

I know deep down that it’s not the redness throbbing on my arm that has caused my tears. It’s not even my internal anger at feeling bullied by the Estate Agent into selling my house at a ridiculously low price – it’s because I’m scared of the change that is on it’s way as we embark on a new life in a new country.

I’ve had more than one father, more than one husband. I’ve had five childhood homes that I can remember and more than ten of my own, never stopping longer than three or four years. I’ve had lots of jobs and travelled to many countries. Most of my life has been constant change and I thrived on it, thinking that the simple life was dull and boring.

It took me until I was 38 to find the right man and when I turned 40 I found my peace. I’ve been happily married for 16 years and in my current home for 10. My children have grown up around here – I am settled for the first time in my life.

I Need Time

I realise though, that I wasn’t thriving on change before, I was just surviving and perhaps running from the turmoil in my life back then. Now I know differently – it was stability and happiness that I craved, but never found. So now I have it, I’m scared to let it go. I acknowledge that, as we prepare to move into new territory on our retirement – new country, different language, together full time and leaving the family. I know all good things are ahead, but I fought so hard for my peace and stability, it’s not easy to let go. I just need a little time…

What sets us off crying is often not the real cause of our pain.

Do you like change or prefer the comfort of a steady life? Is it harder to cope with change as we get older perhaps?
 
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2 comments

  1. Paula says:

    Good luck to you sweetheart. I know what hard-won stability means, and how hard those changes are. But you are clear-sighted, and that is half the battle. A

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